#OldDogNewTricks

A Wee Purple Patch!

/ intrepidjane

This is what 100kg looks like

It’s just been one of those weeks, the kind where the stars are all in the right place 🙂 .

Last night I went to CrossFit in a buoyant mood, the buzz of the recent 5K race still in my body. I was looking forward to the session because it included deadlifts.  This lift is one of the three that’ll be included in my powerlifting adventure in July and my training schedule has just upped a notch. (To be honest, when I looked at the new schedule I was nearly sick! Fortunately, the algorithm on the training spreadsheet hadn’t been tweaked to my personal settings. Once I had tweaked it, I didn’t feel soooooo sick, but the numbers still looked challenging!)

During last night’s session I had to lift 100kg (15 3/4 stone) – that’s just shy of twice my own body weight! I’ve never lifted 100kg before, but last night I did it and established a new 1RM (one rep max). Unfortunately, I don’t have a video or picture of me doing it, but I can tell you that as soon as that rep was done I was shouting ‘one hundred!’ and leaping around (and ringing the bell, which is what happens when you establish a new personal record).

If you don’t know what a deadlift is, here’s how it’s done:

This morning I was back in ‘the box’ practising split jerks. The focus was on working out which our lead leg was by experimenting with both legs (mine turned out to be my left). We also worked on dropping lower below the bar and on speed. You can see from the video below that I could probably drop a bit lower! Videoing practice sessions can help see where tweaks can be made:

Right, I think I’ve earned a wee rest. I am just going outside and may be some time. ( (By the way, if you’re new to my blog, you can find more out about my #OldDogNewTricks project here.)

JT 🙂

Back in the (Human) Race

/ intrepidjane

At the Purple Ladies 5K on 24 April 2019

I’m about 6 weeks away from my first track meet (for my 400m/800m sprinting adventures) and training is going well: I’m injury-free and still enjoying it – and I’ve no problems motivating myself to get out of the door and onto the road.

To spice up my training, I decided to enter a local 5K race. I’ve never raced at this distance before (the shortest I’ve raced is 10K – and the last time I raced at that distance was 1995 in Coventry). One of my current weekly runs is a speed-endurance session and I thought I’d hop along to this local 5K event and run a pacey 2K and jog the rest (which is all I needed to do to keep on track with my schedule).

Just before starting the Mourne Way Ultra in 2010

The last time I raced was in 2010: the Mourne Way Ultra in County Down, Northern Ireland. After that I went rogue and did all of my running on my own (or, when I was working towards a very tight writing deadline, not at all!). Turning up at the Joey Dunlop Leisure Centre in Ballymoney to pick up my race number for the Purple Ladies 5K  this Wednesday evening was a bit of a shock to the system after such a long time ‘off the circuit’.

The registration hall was a sea of club colours and I felt a bit intimidated and out of place. My nerves were calmed by the brilliant organisation of the host running club (Springwell). All competitors were given a very warm welcome and a lovely pep talk at the start line.

The man with the starter gun encouraged those aiming for a 20-minute finish time to move to the front. I thought I’d shadow the front runners as best I could for the first 2K and then ease off the pedal. I didn’t think I had a hope in hell of keeping up, but I knew that even if I could only see those front runners as specks on the horizon, just having them in my sights would keep me pushing on.

I don’t run with a wrist watch (I’m allergic to most straps and buckles), so I usually carry a stopwatch. Unfortunately, I’d left my stopwatch in the car, so I’d just have to rely on the faster runners to keep me going at a demanding pace for 2K and not worry too much about the time.

I stood back and let a layer of runners move up to the start line. The gun went and we were off! I’d warmed up really well and couldn’t believe how much I was enjoying the pace. During the first kilometre I was actually worried that something was terribly wrong. I kept asking myself ‘Why aren’t they running faster?’ and ‘Why isn’t anyone overtaking me?’ and ‘Was there actually a false start?’

After the first kilometre I thought I’d try having a wee chat with the runners next to me. (Having BIG chats is the norm in marathons and ultras, by the way.) The chatting didn’t work (as in, no one seemed that keen to chat back) so, in the end, I settled into (relatively) quiet running. (Okay. Okay. I did randomly chat every now and again. I’m a chatter, okay ? 😉 It’s what I do: chat.)

Shelagh (in the top picture) and I ran together for about the first 3K. In the absence of chatting, I focused on the rhythm of my own breathing – and I realised that Shelagh and I were breathing synchronously. In the moment of recognising how our breathing was harmonised, I felt a lovely connection with my fellow runner. The synchronous breathing was the equivalent of chatting. We were telling each other how hard we were working, how we were doing, that we were ‘fully in the game’, that we were in this together. And in that moment I suddenly felt ‘back in the race’.

I’d say I’ve been ‘out of the race’ for the last couple of years. The human race, that is. As a writer, it’s easy to feel ‘cut off’. It’s easy to move into a different world and stay there until the job is done. It’s easy to get so used to being by yourself, that being with others feels odd. Running this 5K race, alongside Shelagh, I suddenly felt part of things again. Part of something bigger. Part of something more joyful. Part of something wildly alive.

Unfortunately, Shelagh dropped behind a little. I decided to push on and get the job done (with a sprinkling of light chat 😉 ). I missed the 2K sign and just kept at a comfortable pace, crossing the finish line without knowing how long the 5K had taken. Shelagh came in just behind me and reckoned we’d done it in 22-something, which I was quite pleased with.

While there was very little in the way of in-race chatting, there was plenty of post-race chatting. It was lovely to talk to other runners and share congratulations. It was lovely to clap other runners across the line. I was really enjoying the whole experience! (I now realise the absence of chatting was due to the hard work being done!)

I decided to stay for the refreshments (the spread was AMAZING) and prize giving (something I’d usually avoid in my running past). I was enjoying the feeling of connection and of community – and I really wanted to stay and clap the prize winners too.

You can imagine my surprise when my name was called out as the second lady finisher in the 50+ category! I’d actually managed to clock a time of 22:26 – I was delighted 🙂 . And I’d managed to finish 17th in a field of 258 runners 🙂 .

I’ll tell you something for free: that old dog was wagging her tail rightly 😉 😉 😉 .

I’m sure something changed for me as I crossed that finish line on Wednesday. I’m not exactly sure what it is yet. I feel more open to connecting with other people, that’s for sure. I feel there is less of a gap between me and the outside world. I feel closer to the surface of myself, while still being deeply rooted somewhere inside. And there’s something else … an urge to reach out, I think (I even thought about joining the local running club … and I haven’t been a club runner for about 15 years!). Something big is on the move, anyway. I’ll let you know what it is when it shows itself 🙂 .

In the meantime, I’m just going outside and may be some time. (By the way, if you’re new to my blog, you can find more out about my #OldDogNewTricks project here.)

JT 🙂

Rhythm is a Dancer!

/ intrepidjane

I’m really excited to announce that I’ll be doing a fifth adventure this year! This autumn I’ll be learning to dance the tango with my non-dancing husband, coached by the brilliant Paula and Peter McAuley of Tango Northern Ireland.

I’ve always been a very enthusiastic dancer and had at one time (when I was 6) wanted to be a ballerina. I went along to ballet lessons but soon decided the gig was not for me. Here’s what stopped my dancing career in its tracks: we’d been doing this brilliant thing with skipping ropes (straight-forward-no-frills-actual-skipping), which I could actually do (unlike all the other things we were asked to do in the class), when the teacher announced that our ropes were tired and needed a rest. I looked at the other kids, my palms raised skywards and my head shaking in disbelief (well, I might not have actually done this bit). I knew there was no way that rope was an animate object, and ,therefore, there was no way it needed a rest. I then made the fatal error of pointing out the rope was not actually alive. That, dear reader, was the end of my dancing career 😉 .

In my early 30s the urge to dance re-emerged when I trained to be a fitness instructor.  Every Monday evening, after I’d run a hardcore circuit class (think Superstars), I’d channel my inner Christina Aguilera and segway into a (relatively clean) dirty dancing class. The classes were surprisingly popular, in spite of the very cheesy choreography, and everyone completely ‘went for it’.

I miss those classes and I miss the joy and freedom of dancing. When I was thinking about my #OldDogNewTricks adventures for 2019 tango came straight to mind (I’ve always wanted to have a go at it), but it took me until now to find a teacher! Big thanks to Sarah Jane Abbot (Johnston), choreographer for The Faerie Thorn stage production, who put me in contact with Peter McAuley 🙂 .

I’m completely thrilled to have found Paula and Peter. They’re going to help us develop choreography that works for both me (I’m definitely into all the leaping about 😉 ) and for my husband (who, at this stage, would prefer to just stand still and look very moody, which is a skill he has honed over the years 😉 ). We’ll be travelling down to Belfast in the autumn to join as many of the Friday night classes as we can, and we’ll have some intensive 1-1 sessions too. I think we should be ready for a final performance by the end of November/beginning of December.

To help me get into the dance mood, I’m going to undertake a mini dance adventure on 19 May. I’ve booked myself onto a ‘rock goddess burlesque’ dance workshop at the Crescent Arts Centre in Belfast with Soup DuJour,  one of the top performers in Ireland and a well respected producer throughout Europe.

Here’s Soup DuJour doing her thing 🙂

Right. I suppose I’d better go and limber up then 😉 . (Oh, and if you’re new to my blog, you can find more out about my #OldDogNewTricks project here.)

I am just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂

Radio Adventure!

/ intrepidjane

Last week I went along to the BBC studios to talk to Colum Arbuckle about my #OldDogNewTricks adventures. The programme is an hour long and you can listen to it here. WARNING: singing is included!

Colum Arbuckle BBC Radio Ulster

I hope you enjoy listening!

I’m just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂

Celebrating all the Wins!

/ intrepidjane

The last couple of weeks have been full of adventure, and I’m really enjoying getting things ‘under my belt’. I’m learning that the ‘having a go’ bit is where the real juice is, and whilst it’s lovely to achieve a goal, it’s the process of getting there that’s the real win for me.

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I took my grade 8 Musical Theatre exam on 01 April. That was my first official #OldDogNewTricks adventure – and the results are in! *Drum roll* *Trumpets* *Dry ice* I actually got a Distinction, the top grade possible – and I was wearing my dressing gown in the exam too 😉 (that’s the Mikado Effect 😉 ). I’ll receive more detail about each element of the exam in due course, but in the meantime, I’m celebrating ‘the win’ 🙂 .

You’ll also remember that I competed in the CrossFit Open for the very first time during February and March. CrossFit is helping me to prepare physically for my sprinting, powerlifting and swimming adventures. There were lots of things I couldn’t do during the Open (like handstand press-ups and double unders – where the rope passes twice beneath your feet between skips – and muscle ups), but there were lots of things I could (that I couldn’t do when I started CrossFit). I’m so glad I took part: it helped me to raise my game and I got to know other competing athletes at our box (gym) much better.

Here are my rankings for the CrossFit Open 2019, Female Masters (50-54). There’s another Open in October this year (due to a change in the way the Open will work in the future), so I’m going to give that a shot too. Who knows? I may be able to do handstand press-ups by then!

Emboldened by my experience of the Open, I recently gave weighted pull ups a go for the very first time – and I did it! Okay, I only managed to carry an extra 6kg, but I was thrilled with that. Here’s what a weighted pull up is – and how to do one. (And this experience really reminded me of the importance of just giving things a go because you never know what’s in you until you try something).

That’s all for now. In the meantime, I’m just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂

Making the Connection

/ intrepidjane

Before I started this project, all my best ‘big thoughts’ and light bulb moments arrived during my long Sunday runs. I think it was something to do with the repetitive, rhythmic and ‘mindless’ nature of the beast. The right hypnotic conditions were present for my unconscious mind to talk to me direct, mano a mano.

Since the long Sunday runs no longer exist, my unconscious mind has been finding new ways to get its foot in the door. My dreams are changing: there are new dreamscapes for me to explore. My twice-weekly recovery swims are full of whispers from ‘the other side’ (although, when the pool is busy, the whisper becomes inaudible as I have to focus so much on avoiding collisions!). Today while I was between hill reps (this is a very short recovery interval of about 45 seconds), my unconscious mind decided it would have to keep with the programme and use the short downtime to have a wee chat 😉 .

‘Do you know what’s really in it for you?’ it asked. I was too busy catching my breath to answer, but I was keen to listen: it had my attention because it was a ‘surprise attack’ .  I’m now used to the ‘flow voice’, encouraging me to keep going or to push. I’m used to the ‘direct command’. What I’m not used to (during a sprint session) is the conversational approach that I usually associate with my long run.

‘Connection is in it for you. And you’re learning something, but you don’t know what it is yet,’ it said. I turned and ran another repetition, so hard that I could only hear my heart beating – everything else went quiet, including the chat-voice of my unconscious mind.

On my recovery jog I expected to hear the voice again, but I didn’t. Instead I began to think about in how many different ways #OldDogNewTricks is helping me to connect at a deep, joyful and honest level with all sorts of people from all walks of life. I’m really enjoying meeting (face to actual face, old skool style!) people who are passionate about what they do, who are inspiring to be around and from whom I can learn all sorts of things. I’m really enjoying honouring my own instinct to reach out and connect in my own way.

As for the learning? I love following the threads of enquiry that my reading is throwing up. Matt Fitzgerald’s How Bad Do You Want It? had such an impact on me that I wrote to him to let him know. He wrote back! It was lovely to experience that moment of connection 🙂 .

I’ve also joined an online community of active women who are exploring sports nutrition and performance – and, as a result, I’m experimenting with a whole new range of ideas and concepts to support my sprinting and powerlifting adventures. I’m learning from the CrossFit coaches and from other athletes at my box (gym). And I’m learning more about my own edges, beliefs and drivers: I feel I’m getting closer to the core of myself. I’m learning all this,and more, but I don’t think that’s THE learning. Even typing this blog, I can sense something really big … it’s close … but I can’t see it yet. The hairs are standing on end on my arms …

Whatever it is that’s driving the energy for my adventures, I’m getting closer to it – and I think it’s letting me get closer. I think that’s an important distinction: it’s letting me. I think it may have been waiting for me for a while now 😉 . I’ll keep you posted as I discover more.

In the meantime, I’m just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂

Upping my Game!

/ intrepidjane

In today’s video-blog I share some of things I’m doing to improve my performance and optimise my adventure experiences! In the video I

  • Talk about my recent musical theatre exam and the notion of ‘faking it’.
  • Review 3 books: The Rise of Superman (Kotler), Over the Edge (Bane) and How Bad Do You Want It? (Fitzgerald).
  • Talk about my current experiment with the sports supplement, creatine monohydrate.

Below the video you’ll find details of the books I mention (click on the cover image and it’ll take you straight to Amazon) and The Rise of Superman YouTube video. You can find out more about creatine monohydrate here and here. 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m just going outside and may be some time 🙂 (Oh, and if you missed the beginning of my #OldDogNewTricks adventure series, you can read more about what I’m up to here. )

JT

Feeding the Beast

/ intrepidjane

Today I’m talking a little bit about how I’m eating to support my adventure goals. My training schedule is intense and that means that I’ve had to work hard to make my nutrition work for me 🙂 . It might also surprise you to know that I also have to fuel up for my musical theatre lessons: they are very physical indeed! I treat those singing lessons just like any other workout – and if I’m not well fuelled, I just don’t have the energy to support my voice.

In the video-blog I describe a typical day’s eating and mention some of my favourite ‘finds’. The recipes I talk about are listed below the video (with either full recipe details or a link to a recipe). If you think my eyes look a bit weird, don’t worry! I’m just out of the pool and my goggle-marks take ages to fade 🙂 .

Just so you know, I also don’t drink alcohol, I aim for 6-8 portions of fruit and vegetables every day, and I avoid processed foods. I make my own scones, wheaten loaf and bread as often as I can. I’ve been following a phytoestrogen-rich way of eating to support my menopausal and post-menopausal experience for a while now (I can recommend The Natural Menopause Cookbook) and I am pleased to say that I’ve weathered the whole transition without a single hot flush, headache or any weight gain whatsoever. My diet is usually largely vegetarian, but (at the moment) I do eat red meat once or twice a week, oily fish twice a week and white fish once a week. I only eat whole grains too (so wholewheat pasta, wholemeal spelt bread, brown rice etc.). Oh, and I take filter coffee by the bucketful 😉 .

Porridge
Soak a cup of oats and a tsp of oat bran in water overnight. In the morning add three handfuls of frozen berries (I like a mix of blueberries, blackberries and raspberries) to the saucepan, along with extra water if required. When the porridge starts to bubble, serve with a handful of chopped nuts (I like Brazil nuts best of all with porridge) and a heaped tsp of ground flax seeds or chia seeds. Add a shake of cinnamon and a drizzle of honey and you are good to go! (Honestly, this is my favourite meal of the day 🙂 .)

Sweet Potato and Rosemary Soup
This recipe from the BBC GoodFood website is completely reliable and freezes really well. I eat it with a sandwich/wholewheat baguette. It works really well with a melted blue cheese and rocket sandwich! Also good with an egg or ham sandwich.

Protein Shake
I blend the following and drink immediately. By the way, I like a very thick shake. If you prefer ‘thin’, add milk! 1 banana, 1 slice of pineapple, 1 tbsp of natural yoghurt, 1 heaped tsp of nut butter, 1 scoop of protein powder (I sue egg white protein or whey isolate). When blended, sprinkle on some cinnamon and enjoy!

Banana Ice Cream
Peel a banana and freeze for 3-4 hours. Remove from freezer and blend with a tsp of nut butter. Eat! (It tastes much better than it looks 🙂 )

 

Wholemeal Wheaten Bread
This recipe is really reliable. I replace all the white flour with wholemeal spelt (makes it denser but I prefer it this way) and I replace the sugar with a tsp of honey. Don’t skimp on the salt! This loaf is beautiful topped with peanut butter and banana. Also works well with cheese and honey, and homemade lemon curd and butter.

In case you were curious about the fifth and final heat for the CrossFit Open (which I’m completing tonight), here are the details:

 

And here’s what a thruster looks like!

Right. I think I need a little lie-down before 19.5, tonight’s CrossFit heat. And maybe a wee piece of wheaten bread 😉 .

I am just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂

Going with the Flow

/ intrepidjane

Today I’m video-blogging for a change! In the video-blog I talk about some of the unusual things that have been happening over the last two weeks:

  1. Experiencing a sentient landscape.
  2. Hearing my flow voice.

I’ve popped details of the books I mention, along with info about the CrossFit Open heats and Olympic lifting sessions, below the video-blog.

Alan Garner’s Thursbitch Every inch of this book is breathtaking: from the vivid language (which you need to tune your ear to, but the effort is well worth it) to the awe-inspiring depiction of a sentient landscape (a landscape that has a presence and that can feel yours); and from the interweaving of ancient rites and echoes from the past with a shifting and uncertain present to the gradual melting of boundaries in the liminal space that is the Thursbitch valley. 

 

Steven Kotler’s The Rise of Superman This is all about what ‘flow’ is and how to create conditions to access it (even when you’re not an adventure sports junkie 🙂 ). I’m about halfway through and just getting onto the ‘how to’ bit. I’d say you need to be prepared to wade through a lot of stuff about men doing daredevil stuff (and couched in sports-technical terms) to get to the real juice, but it is worth sticking with. (Shame more women don’t get a mention. In fact, no women mentioned so far ….)

Here’s what I’ve been learning in the Olympic lifting technique sessions over the last 2 weeks (clean and jerk):

And here are the last two heats I’ve completed in the CrossFit Open 2019. For 19.3 I managed all the lunges and box step-ups but couldn’t manage a single handstand press-up (even though I had plenty of time!). For 19.4 I managed 4 rounds plus 6 pull-ups (so 16 pull-ups in total). The pull-ups were the limiting factor for me 😦 .

 

 

I’m just going outside and may be some time 🙂

JT

Beyond the Boundary

/ intrepidjane

At the end of last week I posted a blog about how my identity at any given point in time may be affecting, and driving, my adventures. I talked about becoming consciously aware of things that were stacking the deck in my favour and things that probably weren’t.

It was clear to me that I had some work to do around clearing up an old memory of feeling humiliated on the sports field – and that the part of me that was stuck as a teenager on a school sports day in the early 1980s needed some kind of liberation if I was to stand any chance of reaching my full potential as a strength athlete.

One thing that’s becoming increasing clear to me is this: my adventures are creating the context for rapid change and transformation. In the very week I realised I’ve been operating from the identity of ‘tiny, weak, sporting failure’ when I’m lifting weights, I had the opportunity to break through the boundary lines keeping that identity ‘safe’ and in place.

Last Friday I competed in the second heat of the CrossFit Open. I chose the scaled option because I’d only recently recorded a 40kg 1RM clean (lifting the bar for one repetition, only because that’s the most you can manage in one go 🙂 ) and had 30kg as my 3RM (the most I could lift 3 times) for a clean . The clean was only a part of the most challenging lift in the workout. Here’s what a clean looks like:

Here’s the second CrossFit Open 2019 heat workout – and you can see it involves something called a squat clean. A squat clean is a clean plus a full squat #DoesWhatItSaysOnTheTin.

Normally in a workout involving multiple reps for this lift, I’d take a 20kg (44 lb)  bar. So you can see that the opening weight was already more than I’d usually lift – and that the second weight (35kg – 95lb) was, well, more than 3 repetitions and more than my 3RM personal record! (55lb = 25kg, 75lb = 35kg, 95lb = 43kg).

Here’s what a squat clean looks like:

I managed to get through the 25kg squat cleans, and it wasn’t easy! When I got to the 35kg squat cleans I was in new territory. On paper, I was in the land of the impossible – and my only aim was to get through the set before the 8 minutes were up. Honestly, I thought that’s as far as I could hope for.

Well, I did it and earned myself another 4 minutes and the chance to squat clean 43kg. (I weigh 56kg, by the way. So I’d be squat-cleaning 77% of my own bodyweight.) At this stage the other competitors and our coach were standing around me, shouting encouragement. I picked up the bar but failed to get it up to my shoulders. I was going to stop at this point because I’d already got much further than I thought I would – and I genuinely believed that 43kg was impossible.

However, something very strange happened when I dropped the bar after the first failed attempt. Everyone was still shouting encouragement, saying things like ‘Plenty of time’ and ‘Take another go at it.’ In my head everything felt like it was shutting down, going very quiet. I remember swearing at the other competitors in a light-hearted way at this point but also feeling that I was really somewhere else – cut off from things, in ‘the void’. Then there was just a prickly, electric ‘head- silence’ (best words I can find for this at the moment) and all I could hear was our coach, Richard, saying ‘Pick up the bar’. So you know what I did? I bloody well picked it up, didn’t I? 🙂 And I completed the lift. And every time I put it down, Richard said ‘Pick it up.’ and I did – 3 times!

Even though I got timed out at 12 minutes, I didn’t care. Something happened after I’d failed, after I’d tried really hard but not succeeded. Something switched off inside me and allowed me across the old boundary line, the old line that said ‘This is as far as you’re ever going to get, you “tiny, weak, sporting failure”.’ I’d say the first failure at the lift was me bumping up against the boundary and that bumping up against it (actually making an honest attempt at it) was enough to destabilise it so that the next lift was possible. Weirder still, every time I squat-cleaned that 43kg bar it felt lighter!

I’m curious about what happened last Friday night. Conditions for an altered state of consciousness were perfect. I’d say I was definitely in some kind of trance when I failed at the 43kg lift, and that I was probably open to suggestion in the hypnotic sense. I’d also say that maybe ‘flow’ was beginning (I’ll talk about that more in a separate post) – and I wonder what would have happened if I’d had more time to lift. Anyway, whatever happened last Friday was the beginning of something BIG that carried over into Saturday!

On Saturday morning I went along to an Olympic weightlifting technique session at CrossFit Causeway. The session was run by lifting coach, Damien Ledger and we were going to work on our snatch technique. Now, I don’t mind a power snatch at all. In fact, it’s one of my favourite lifts:

But I’ve always found a full snatch troublesome – even with an empty bar I found it impossible to get down into the full squat position. Here’s what a full snatch looks like, demonstrated by Sukanya Srisurat, the current world record-holder for the snatch in my weight category (58kg):

Damien’s a brilliant coach, very straight forward and very direct in his approach. We started off with drills using a stick, then using an empty bar. When we got onto the empty bar, more weird things started to happen. I could feel an incredible fizzing energy in my body, but I didn’t know what it was. I thought I ought to say something, but I couldn’t find the words for it. I wondered if it might be adrenaline because I was getting ready to do something my mind-body usually ‘refused’ to do.

Eventually, I managed to do the full move with the empty bar and actually enjoyed it – but the strange feeling was getting stronger. When Damien told us to load the bar up (I took wooden plates, the lightest option), the feeling ramped up even further.

Just adding another 4 kgs to the bar seemed to make the lift impossible. I could get it over my head but I kept bailing out of the squat. I watched as the other two athletes, whipped up that bar, dropped beneath it into a full squat and stood up. Damien said, ‘It’s a confidence issue. We’ll just wait for you to get one snatch.’ And you know what I did? I went and did 3 full snatches and I was delighted! And you know what else happened? The minute I dropped into the first full squat, that strange feeling disappeared.

When I was driving home, I got the insight about the feeling: it was fear. And that fear had probably been sitting there outside of my conscious awareness, doing its thing, for quite a few years!

So, that’s me now: I’m on the other side of the boundary line. I’ve had an undeniable experience of me doing something physical that I thought was impossible and I’ve had an undeniable experience of my fear ‘leaving the building’. Now fearless and in new territory, I wonder how much more of me there is to discover and how much more there is to learn. I wonder who I’m becoming.

Here’s what I know right now:

1. Possibility lies on the other side of the boundary line.
2. Failure is sometimes the first stage of success.
3. When fear shows up, you just have to show fear what you’re really made of.
4. I’m no longer a  ‘tiny, weak, sporting failure’. (Right now I’m in the space between where I was and where I might be. I’ll let you know when I discover more about who I’m becoming and where I’m landing 😉 ).
5. Being a post-menopausal woman doesn’t need to be a ‘boundary condition’. Being in your 50s doesn’t need to be a boundary condition. Whatever your age,  it’s really worth exploring the edges of yourself : if you bump up against any boundaries, you’ll know exactly where to push a little, knowing that the full possibility of who you are lies just on the other side.

I’m just going outside and may be some time.

JT 🙂